Every Tuesday, Asher and I go to A&M Consolidated High School to have lunch with our beloved Otha. It's an event I look forward each week. Normally, I babysit right before we have lunch with him, therefore my attire is sprinkled with extra kid-ness (you know- slobber, markers, banana mush). But today Asher and I spent the morning at home. So what did I do? Obsess over my appearance.
Here are the reasons why...
*I really do have a desire to look attractive to my husband. Everything in me wants him to be proud that I am his wife, his teammate, and a good lookin' woman. But I easily loose track of the fact that Otha chose to marry me when I was in college. College = athletic clothes, messy bun, and mascara on a good day. Let's be honest, not much has changed in my fashion. However I feel this pressure that since I am his wife and more of an adult, I need to dress up, do my hair, and be completely put together for him. Sure, there are good things about this desire... but those good things easily turn into unhealthy self-pressure and self-absorption. So this morning I wanted to look hott walking into his classroom ready for him to be WOW-ed.
*I don't want to be a "frumpy mom". It does not help that the majority of moms in our community are gorgeous and exceptionally fashionable women. Often, I want to wake up and throw on a t-shirt with some running shorts feeling like I deserve a comfy day since I am a tired mom. Then I instantly think of these other moms who have like 4 kids and a WAY crazier life than I do... yet they still shower, put on a ridiculously cute outfit, splash of makeup, and make their hair look beautiful. I have no excuse. I am not making up how much this affects me. Yesterday I had a t-shirt and old shorts on, but was about to go hang out with another mom who I am close to and have no reason to impress ... but I still changed my clothes so she would not think I am a frumpy mom. This is really embarrassing, but absolutely true.
*I have a certain style I want to accomplish with clothes that don't exist in my closet. This problem has plagued me for as long as I can remember. I change my clothes OVER and OVER trying to look a certain way that just isn't going to happen because I don't spend a lot of money on clothes. What I am wearing is never going to match the magical amazing outfit I imagine in my head... because it does not exist.
I am not proud of all the reasons stated above for why I obsessed over my appearance this morning. Obviously I have insecurities, compare myself to others, care too much about things that God advises me to not care about at all, etc... It's not pretty. But having a child suddenly magnifies my sin in this area. Why? Because instead of spending all morning playing with Asher, enjoying his laughter, and loving him well, I chose to obsess about myself and indulge in my sin. He would coo at me while sitting in his chair watching me get ready. I would glance down, throw him a smile and some sort of comment like "you're so cute!" and then continue on my merry way trying on a bazillion combinations of clothing. It was not until we got in the car that I realized I had completely wasted my morning in front of the mirror instead of in front of my son. Let me tell you, it's really humbling apologizing to an infant who smiles so sweetly at you while you explain that you are are selfish and made poor decisions. But I am thankful that God has given me a child to expose more and more of my sin. I won't always feel thankful, but deep down I know this is a blessing to have more accountability through a young person watching my every move.
See? Literally watching my every move with those big blue eyes.
(And yes, he dominates tummy time.)
Confession complete. Over and Out.
