"So... how's the whole having two kids thing going?"
I get that question often. At this point, I am fairly rehearsed in my answer and feel good walking away from a perfectly normal conversation.
I sometimes wonder if people want to ask this question instead: "So... how's the whole having a kid in your home whom you not only didn't birth, but have no idea whether she will leave tomorrow or be in your family forever thing going?" Or maybe that's just the question I am wishing people would ask. For everyone's sake, I am glad that I am not asked that question on a regular basis. But tonight I want to talk about it. Tonight I am going to pretend that someone just asked me that very question.
Our baby girl has pneumonia.
I hate that she is sick. Hate it. I wish I could just make it all better. She has been sick for awhile now, but today we got the new diagnosis. Now she seems even more fragile, which I did not think was possible in my mind.
But you know what I think about when want to hold her more because she is sick? "Would I hold her even more if she was Asher? Would I stop everything else to tend to her if I knew for sure she was going to be our daughter forever? If I had given birth to her would I just not have let her cry that extra 30 seconds while I finished loading the dishwasher?" These kinds of thoughts swarm through my head daily. Daily, people. All day long. I am constantly calling into question whether the amount of attention she receives or doesn't receive is due to her being the second child in the family so I am naturally split two ways now OR is it because I don't know if she is my forever daughter?
When I think about her being in a forever family with her biological siblings, I am excited for her life. But I also become emotionally numb when I get in the rational mindset of rooting for this reunification with her siblings. Because if I let my emotions get involved, I feel crushed. I know that with some foster care cases, it's a difficult fit and therefore you honestly are ready for the kid to move on to a life beyond your home. However, this is a tiny, precious baby. I am not dealing with a kid bringing in attitude due to heartache, or violence due to a lack of feeling safe. I am dealing with a sweet girl who is starting to cry if I hand her to another person because to her - I am her mom. She associates my smell, my touch, my voice with having her needs met. If or when she is put in another family, I know that she will be fine reattaching. But selfishly it sucks.
I wish I could have breastfed her from day 1 and built up her immune system better so she could fight off things like pneumonia more quickly. Or I wish she had not been born so prematurely so that her body was not at such a risk for illness. Or I wish that she didn't have any trauma in the womb that will have lasting consequences affecting the rest of her life. Or maybe I just wish I didn't care so much. Because caring hurts.
I love this girl a whole, whole bunch. Thirty years from now she maybe calling me to check up on her aging mother... or she may just be an entry in my journal about our foster journey. And either one of those has to be ok. Either way I will love her now. And either way I will struggle to know how to do this foster care thing well.
Thankfully I have a God who is gracious in the midst of my mistakes and a constant peace in the midst of my craziness. I truly only know how to take this process day by day, begging God to help me.
That's how the whole having a kid in your home whom you not only didn't birth, but have no idea whether she will leave tomorrow or be in your family forever thing is going.
I am so glad you asked.
