Written in October...
I love love love the picture Ryan Price took of our wedding rings entangled in the vines! It's symbolic to me of how our love is wrapped in something entirely bigger than ourselves, sometimes confusing and messy, but always better than on our own. In the same way that our rings our safely nestled into the vines, Otha and I are safely nestled into God's plan.
That being said, God's plan is completely unpredictable. Yes, I believed it before... but still had this false idea of control and my idealistic plans held tightly.
At the conference Together for Adoption that we recently attended, my desire to adopt was further cultivated into an eagerness. I had a beautiful plan in my head of what the next 2 years would look like as we took steps towards growing our family. I even told God whoever he wanted our adopted children to be, I was ok with that... age, ethnicity, sex, special needs. But the key was I only surrendered our adopted children to Him. It didn't take long for God to say "Why don't you really trust me with your family? What if I want to bless you with biological children too?" UGH. If you know me well, you know I have been set on adopting children for as long as I can remember. But when it comes to popping out my own flesh and blood- I'll pass. What a time for me that weekend to struggle with the Lord and finally say "Ok God, I have open hands to what you want to give."
Great timing. Within two weeks of returning from the conference we discovered we were pregnant. WHAT?!? As much of a shock this was, I can only imagine what my heart and mind would have done had the Lord not prompted me to be open to biological children days before. He is so gracious!!
After the flurry of phone calls and announcing the new baby simmered down, I began to freak out... and not in the "I'm so excited I am freaking out!" kind of way. Confusion, frustration, and bitterness soon set in. Why us Lord? Why not choose a couple that is desperate to birth their own children? Why didn't you give us more time? But this, my friends, is how the Lord works with me. I say something like- "hey God, I am totally willing to participate in your kingdom in _____ way. I am ready when you are." Then He replies with- "Great, I am glad you have the faith for that. Now let me really test your faith by giving you the opposite." Thus there is a human growing inside of me while there are countless children waiting to be adopted. Praise God for His patience with me in these times of stubbornness, pride, and rebellion!! Every. Single. Day. He molds my heart and pries open my hand to replace my plan with His. Have you ever had your had pried open? Painful. But in the end, God takes my ashes and replaces them with something beyond beautiful.
Thank you Lord for entangling me SO MUCH in your love that you would bless us with a child.
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