Patience usually does not make my top ten list of strengths. So why am I surprised by my desperation for this baby to come? I am pretty sure pride has something to do with it. Ok, ok I am very sure pride has something to do with it. "I will not be one of those women who go crazy after their due date." "I will take each day with grace, joy, and be the ultimate over-due pregnant champion." "I will conquer my emotions for the sake of being sane." "I will set the example for all those over-due pregnant women to come after me." EPIC FAILURE.
I officially am that woman who cannot function because a specific set of 24 hours has been completed. It's done. Over with. June 25th has come and gone with a human still hanging out inside of me. I want to pretend that I am fine and handling these past few weeks with an incredibly high spirit. But that's not true at all. There is an even deeper issue here than lack of patience that has been a consistent struggle for me: I am horrible at resting. Resting = unproductive. Unproductive = waisting away my life. Waisting away my life = worst thing ever.
During my college journey, I have had multiple people whom I love dearly call me out on my issues with resting. It's just not healthy. If I ever did rest, by-golly it was going to be scheduled in my planner. "Resting- watch a movie. 7-9pm." So here I am with more time on my plate than I have ever had in my life and I am going insane. My planner has so much white space- it's embarrassing. See how sick this situation is? A great deal of my identity has been wrapped up in having purpose every day whether with people, keeping our apartment tidy, running errands, my job, etc.
You think I would have realized awhile ago that this is a great time to practice rest and really seek out what God wants me to learn in this waiting period. But no, not me. Not until Sunday night did I realize I have been avoiding any growth that could and should have been occurring during this time. When I have been praying each day for patience, really I have been asking God to make labor start that very instant so I could be done with this awful life of constant rest. My instinct is to find a project to do, not sit and be thankful for this unique and blessed time that I will probably never have again. Now I am not saying that suddenly I know how to appreciate having nothing on the agenda except to spend time with my wonderful husband. But I am more aware that this has potential to be a great season if I would surrender to it. It's ok to not have anything planned and just go with the flow of each beautiful summer day. After all, we are about to have a CHILD and our entire life will be changed FOREVER with someone else to take care of DAILY.
A sweet young mom in our community, Terri (she was 16 days over due with her last pregnancy), wrote me a note on Sunday encouraging me to embrace this time and ask God to further prepare me to be a wife and mom. She also addressed the issue of not wanting to be around people, let alone loving them as they ask about the baby. Everything she said hit the nail on the head and addressed everything I have been feeling. I have never wanted to avoid people so much in my life. Honestly, I know that they have loving intentions and truly care about Asher coming and wondering how I am doing. I am just not mature enough to handle their love without becoming bitter at the reminder that I am STILL pregnant. So I apologize to everyone who has asked me out of love and I have given you a short, unloving, or dishonest response. Please have grace and forgiveness for me. I am an immature 22 year old who is 10 months pregnant and terrified of unpredictability- which is my entire life right now.
Hopefully by the time Asher comes I can say "I am excellent at waiting. And by excellent I mean I am getting better."
Check out this sweet picture Juliette took. There's a baby in there, just in case you were wondering.
This is me telling Asher how he needs to come out that day. This picture was taken over a month ago. Kids struggle with obedience, I understand.
Looked through my facebook, blog and journal entries during my 6 day waiting period. It was something I looked back on fondly and even brought tears to my eyes as I remembered anxiously waiting on our sweet little nugget. It's fun to look back and see how God has grown my love for her exponentially, my understanding of His goodness in the waiting and brought methods to all the unknowns in bringing us Elle. He's good. He's for you. He loves Asher more than you do or will. That's good news. Love you girl.
ReplyDeleteLove the blog Becca. I wish I could say that I did not struggle with every single thing you wrote about but that would be a lie. I also wish I could say all that waiting made me a pro and now I never struggle with those things but that's not the case either. It's a daily battle in patience, humility, joy, loving others and trusting that the Lord really does know best. I am praying for all three of you.
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